The Truth About Control: You Don’t Actually Want It All
A lot of us walk around feeling like we should be in control—of our emotions, of how people respond to us, of the future, of outcomes that are totally outside our hands. And when things don’t go the way we want, we might blame ourselves for not having tried harder or planned better.
What if you could control everyone and everything around you?
But here’s the thing: Trying to control everything isn’t just impossible. It’s also exhausting, unhelpful, and way more responsibility than any human should have to carry.
The Illusion of Control
Control can feel like safety. It’s comforting to believe that if we just do everything right, we can prevent bad things from happening. That if we anticipate every problem, we’ll never be caught off guard. That if we stay hyper-vigilant, we’ll never be disappointed. But the reality? Life doesn’t work that way. No amount of effort can make people behave how we want, stop unexpected challenges from happening, or erase uncertainty.
Things I can’t control
This is where willingness and willfulness—two concepts from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)—come in.
Willfulness: The Fight Against Reality
Willfulness is what happens when we resist reality. It’s when we dig our heels in, insist things shouldn’t be the way they are, and refuse to accept what’s in front of us. It can look like:
Clinging to a plan that clearly isn’t working.
Obsessing over how things should have gone.
Raging against reality instead of adapting to it.
Trying to force people to act the way we want.
Willfulness is fueled by the belief that if we just push harder, we can control everything. But in the end, it only makes us more frustrated, stuck, and disconnected from the present.
Willingness: Working With What Is
Willingness, on the other hand, is about recognizing what’s in our control and what isn’t—and responding accordingly. It doesn’t mean giving up or not caring. It means using our energy wisely, being flexible, and focusing on what actually helps. Willingness might look like:
Accepting that things didn’t go as planned and pivoting instead of spiraling.
Acknowledging that we can’t control others but can choose how we respond.
Letting go of rigid expectations and embracing the present moment.
Trusting ourselves to handle uncertainty rather than trying to eliminate it.
Willingness allows us to move forward, while willfulness keeps us stuck.
Things I can control
You Don’t Have to Carry It All
If you could control everything, you wouldn’t want to. Imagine if every little thing—every decision, every outcome, every reaction from other people—was on you. No room for spontaneity, no space for rest, no surprises (good or bad). Just constant pressure and an unbearable sense of responsibility.
The reality is, some things are meant to be let go. Some moments are meant to unfold naturally. And some problems are meant to be navigated as they come, not preemptively solved.
So the next time you feel yourself grasping for control, ask: Am I being willful? Am I fighting reality instead of working with it? And then, take a breath. Control was never the goal. Handling life as it is—that’s where the real power lies.
How does willfulness show up for you?